The legend of a lesbian: Twilight on Crack
by XEmoMidnaX
Summary: Link thought that life in Ordon was bad, with gays and hell kids, but when he was turned into a doggy, his life got even worse. Read about his wacky adventure full of lesbian Princesses, sexy yet chubby imps, cat men and vain villains. Will he survive? RR
1. Kids from hell and emoism

**A/N: I'm trying my hand at a humour version of Twilight Princess. Sadly, I cannot write a Midlink-less fic so there is funny Midlink in store. **

**It's so sad; I don't own Legend of Zelda OR MIDNA! **

Twilight on crack

Kids from hell and emoism

"Do you ever feel a strange sadness as dusk falls?" Rusl asked, placing his hand on Link's leg. Link looked disgusted and shuffled away from the bisexual.

"No, because after dusk, Ilia won't try to make love to Epona. And I'm not emo."

"Well, I feel sad after dusk, because the Twilight comes and Twilight is bad." Rusl said, getting close to Link again. Link's pants became wet and he cheeks flushed red.

"Twilight is crap, who reads about Vampires falling in love with humans?" Link asked, seriously hurting Ganondorf in the process.

Rusl frowned, making Link pee himself again, and left. Link followed his not-friend, dragging his horse behind him.

Ilia was waiting for Epona in a bikini outside Link's house. The horse saw the sin against nature and ran away into the forest, making her departure early. Link yet again emptied his bladder and he disappeared into his home to try his hand at becoming emo. _Being emo hurts _Link thought _but at least I'm not bisexual like Rusl or prone to making love with horses._ The only sane villager shuddered at the thought and had to run to the bathroom before he vomited all over his carpet.

"HEY! LUKE, GET DOWN HERE AND ROUND UP MY COATS!" Fado, the 101 year old rancher who could never get his sentences right, called breaking Link's window. Link growled to himself and picked up his emo knife. Instead of slitting his wrists, he chucked it out of the window and killed Fado. No-one would really give a damn in the village, because all Fado did was call Talo a little girl and watch his goats make goat love. Link chucked, and pulled his emo knife from Fado's brain. Never again would the villagers bug him. He was a hero. He was-

"LINK!" a crude voice screeched, burning Link's earlobes. It was the kids from hell, probably come to torture and rape him. Link tried to make a break for freedom, but it was too late. The kids had grabbed hold of his ankles with their tongues.

"Ergh, dammit guys, why do you always do that, it's disgusting?" He asked, feeling another bladder explosion coming on.

"YOU'RE GOING TO TEACH US HOW TO USE A SLINGSHOT AND A SWORD" Talo screamed for no means necessary. Link raised his eyebrow, surprised that he could shout so well with his tongue tied around the poor Hylian's ankle.

"But I don't have..." Link began, but Beth shoved a wooden sword into the ground before him and a slingshot in his mouth. Link spat the weapon out into his hand and gave Beth the evils. Sadly, she was so ugly that Link had to look away before his eyes burned out.

"Will you teach us how to use the Slingshot efficiently now, Link?" The fat, creepy baby asked, unlatching his tongue from Link. Talo was still holding on. Link stared angrily at the three reincarnations of Satan and then a very evil thought popped into his head. An evil grin spread across his face and in his head he was doing very crap evil laughter.

"I'll teach you how to use a sword alright." He said evilly. The kid's eyes lit up, and Link had a sudden spasm from their ugliness. When he got over it, he drew the sword from the dirt and tried to chop off the kids heads. But his plan was flawed because Nintendo made them duck. He tried with his slingshot, but they dodged that as well. Link was sure the hell kids were going to eat him and if Colin hadn't show up, he would have died. Colin was just as gay as his father, having tried to make love to Link, but he had saved him from being vored by hell kids many a time. Link owed him his life, although as a new emo, he didn't mind being killed. The hell kids got out their tongues, but Colin smiled at them gaily and they exploded. Link stared at the boy in astonishment. Never again would he diss gays.

"Hi Colin, thanks for killing them, the stupid game manufacturers made them indestructible by weapon." Link said, rubbing the back of his neck. Colin hugged him and made his bladder empty.

"Don't mention it buddy. Say, Ilia got your horse again, so we've got to go and save her. She's in Ordon spring, but you have to crawl through that hole because she locked the gates. Oh, and if you come across a big black wall, run, or you'll experience lesbian sex, broken backs and you'll become a transvestite." Link raised his eyebrow, then the other, before doing that thing in the Cadburys advert. Colin had to grab him by the arm and skip away to the hole.

"Okay, you first." Colin told Link, pushing him forwards, his hand on his ass. Unaware that Colin just wanted to gaze at his backside, Link entered the hole and tried to crawl through, but in order to be safe from gays, he had dressed in many layers and had too much on him to get through. By the time he was out, he was dressed only in his boxers with bunnies on them. Ilia was lying in the water, in a bra and thong, blowing Epona kisses. Link's nose exploded and Ilia found herself swimming in blood. After an incredibly boring cut scene that XEmoMidnaX cannot be bothered to write about, due to her urge to get to the Zelda part, a huge green thing came riding in and shot Ilia and Colin (_Yes_, Link thought, _now I'm free_). The green thing also hit Link on the head, causing him to black out and dream of his sister in a bikini. It was so stupid that it forgot to take Link and left without him.

Link woke up, still with vague images of Aryll caramelldansen in a bikini flashing through his mind. But he was not on Outset; he was lying in his underpants in a bloody spring. He remembered the mean green thing that hurt him and decided to go and hurt it for being so mean. He got up and ran through Faron woods until he came to a big black wall. Instead of using his brain and running away, Link did the stupid thing and walked towards it, only to be grabbed by a black hand and pulled into the wall.

The black thing turned out to be a nerdy Twilit messenger who liked throwing Hylians around. The thing did exactly that to Link and if the boy hadn't started turning into a doggy, he would have vored it. But Link was turning into a doggy and being dragged away into a dungeon, so he couldn't. What Link didn't know, besides absolutely nothing, was that the little creature watching him, who looked like she had been raped due to the state of her hair, was going to rescue him and ride him around doing her errands that she was far too lazy to do herself. Therefore beginning the Legend of Zelda, Twilight on crack.


	2. Lesbian babies

Lesbian babies

Link had no idea why he was all furry and trapped in a cell, but he suspected that Pedo Bear'd come pay him a visit soon. He couldn't move. Next to the hell kid's tongues, the chain was the worst thing to be around his ankle. The wolf tried to eat his way out, but the metal hurt his teeth.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," A female voice said. Link looked up to see the sexiest imp ever floating above him. His nose and bladder exploded at the sight of her.

_Dear god you're hawt_ he thought, drooling without knowing it.

"Am I?" the imp asked, looking at her body. "I always thought I was a bit fat to be honest." Link nearly fainted. The sexy imp was a mind reader. A sexy one.

"Anyway, I'm supposed to bust you out of there and ride you. But, why don't I just taunt you first with cookies." She smiled and made a cookie appear out of thin air. Then she ate it. Link growled at her for scoffing his favourite food right in front on him. She growled back and tossed him a cookie. The beast couldn't help but act dumb at this gesture. He had only been a wolf half an hour and already was starting to find his animal instincts. However, the imp didn't seem to think showing his tummy off with his tongue lolling out was cute and ate the cookie she had given him.

_NOOO! DEAR NAYRU, NOT MY BLOODY COOKIE! _Link shrieked in his head. The imp grinned and got back up from the ground. As she brushed herself off, Link gazed at her ass.

"Pervert!" She spat, turning so her ass wasn't visible. Link's eyes shifted to her bust. Her face went red with fury and embarrassment.

"Anyway, to get you off my back and so I can get on yours, I hereby break the chain with my awesome magic skills that only someone as awesome as me can do." Impy began to make a magic ball in her hands and shot it at the chain. Almost decapitating Link's foot in the process. Link was so pleased that Miss-sexy-09 had freed him, that if he were in his human form, he would have danced with her. So Midna was lucky he wasn't or she would have died.

"So, get the hell out of the cell and we can go." She yawned, leaving the cell using her awesome magic.

Link looked around for a way out, and noticed the sign pointing to a hole in the ground saying, 'WAY OUT' in neon pink. However, it had taken six hours before he realised that he had to exit that way. By this time his soon-to-be-girlfriend was fast asleep. He barked happily in her ear and she shot up like a rocket, screaming. She fell back down onto Link's back, and it snapped.

_Ouch, shit, you're heavy... _He grimaced, collapsing under the weight. She was the hottest thing he had ever seen, but she was right about being fat.

"Uh, I knew those three pizzas were too much..." She muttered "anyway, go Wolfy, to somewhere random that I have forgotten... Uh, hold on it'll come to me." Link felt like ramming his head into the wall, but he couldn't because a) he was being crushed and b) she whom was sexy wouldn't want a dead boyfriend. After a million years, she remembered where to go and Link dragged himself along, unable to lift himself above the ground. It took another million year which involved several game overs and the gamer eating her nunchuck before they actually arrived in the place they wanted to be. But sadly they had to wait ANOTHER million years for the gamer to go out and get a new nunchuck. When she got back, she wasn't surprised to see Link and Midna snoring loudly.

"Uh, this game is really messed up..." The gamer said, staring at the screen. "Nothing like my friend told me."

Link heaved himself down the staircase in Hyrule tower and towards a door.

_Thank Nayru, its open. _The wolf pushed the door wide and dragged his load in. Standing at the window, there was a tall woman in an emo cloak. Link growled at her, not because he was scared, but because she had taken the title of emo from him. She turned round and a huge smile spread across her pale face.

"Midona! How are ya, babe?" The girl asked, bending down and kissing Midna on the lips. The imp made a noise that sounded like she was puking. Link didn't blame her. The girl smelled awful.

"Uh hi Zelda, please don't do that again." Midna said, secretly swearing her head off. The girl picked Link's load up and the wolf sighed a sigh of relief, but then puked as she kissed his sexy imp again. In an inappropriate place that the author much rather not say.

"Zelda, I think you have something to tell Wolfy." She said, her face beetroot red.

"Oh yeah, sorry dude, I see you checking out her ass. She's a lesbian."

Midna's singular showing eye grew huge and her jaw dropped. If Zelda was smaller, she would have been imp food, but alas, Midna needed to stick to her diet.

"Actually, Zelda, I am NOT a lesbian, but sadly you are. Now please drop me or I will be forced to bring Konata in."

Silence.

Link decided to look at Zelda's fireplace until somebody spoke.

_It's boring waiting four hours for someone to speak. _

The girls were still silent.

Link turned around and decided to bite Zelda's ankle.

"Hehe, that tickles... Hey, you're a girl wolf! WOOHOO!" Zelda started dancing and Link sighed again. Midna was trying to hang herself.

_No, that's just the game designers fault, this game is rated 12+ and if they put the privates on the characters, it'd be cancelled due to porn..._

"So you're a guy wolf..."

_Yup._

"Ooh... Anyway, Midona-chun, don't try to kill yourself. I know what'll cheer you up!"

Link backed away. He didn't know how lesbian minds worked, but he assumed similar to gays.

"What?" Midna spat, removing the rope from her neck.

"LET'S MAKE A LESBIAN BABY!"

At this point many heads were stuck inside things.

The gamer had rammed her head into the ground, the author had rammed hers into the computer, Link had rammed his into the fire and Midna had rammed hers into her rope and had hung herself. Luckily, the author was revived by her fairy and decided to bring the dead gamer, Link and Midna back to life, before carrying on with the chapter.

"Zelda, there are three things wrong with that there 1. Girls can't have babies together, 2. I hate you and would never in an eternity do that and 3. This is a video game rated 12+. Like Wolfy... thought.... if this game had porn in it, it'd be cancelled." Midna stated, poking Zelda in the chest. Zelda gave her a disgusted look and turned her back on the imp.

"Well, if you're going to be like that then I'll get a new girlfriend who loves me. You go and make babies with the wolf."

_Good idea Lesbian Princess._

"No, Wolfy. Never. Not with a wolf. Now Princess Zelda, please kindly tell Wolfy what happened here. And no lesbian lust. Please?" Midna gave Zelda cute puppy dog eyes, but remembered that she was a lesbian and stopped. Zelda mumbled something that sounded like 'only because you're my ex.' and turned again.

"Okay, here is my story. Uh, so I was staring at pictures of the bar lady, Telma, in a porno magazine when my guard came and told me that a dude in a pointy helmet was making everything all Twilighty. So I had to go and teach him a lesson, which was going to involve giving him a sex change and raping him. But anyway, when I saw him, he said 'meow'. Then he made a bunch of weird things attack us and a lot of my guards went up to heaven. Then he said that if I didn't give up the kingdom, he'd kill me so I gave up the kingdom and this happened." Zelda then began to strip. Midna dropped back on to Link and his back broke again.

"RUN! RUN BEFORE SHE GETS ANY IDEAS!" Midna screamed, kicking Link's side. Link tried to run, but failed with the enormous amount of weight on his back holding him down. However, he managed to leave while Zelda was taking off her bra.

"Phew, that was a close one." Midna panted, lying down on the roof tops. Link stared at her bust and fought the urge to lick it.

"Anyway, don't you need to find those mates of yours? You can if you get me the Fused Shadows."

_What are they?_

"They're these magical things that can defeat kitty dude."

_No, I mean, what mates?_

"I mean the gay and the horse rapist."

_Oh, them.... You know, let's just defeat kitty dude and have sex._

"WHAT!?"

_You know I fancy you._

"Of course I do..."

_You fancy me?_

"For dinner yes, as a boyfriend no."

_Please don't eat me, you need to diet._

"You little bastard!"

_Sorry..._

"You will be. Anyway, I'm going to warp you now."

_What?_

Midna didn't explain to him, because she was way too lazy and had a chocolate cake in her hammer space she wanted to eat, so she just warped him. Link was howling in pain, even though he had finished warping and hadn't hurt himself at all...

At this point the gamer and author were head palming, wonder just how the heck this could have happened to a video game.

**So yeah, hope you like. Reviews will bring this story to life. Oh, and I couldn't fit the Zelda on Midna action here, I'll do it nearer the end. **


	3. Pyromaniacs and transvestites

**A/N: I've included some Twili in this chapter. I didn't make it up, I used words from Midna in the game, e.g in the game at the end Midna says something that sounds like 'Gindaff', so Gindaff=goodbye. Expect a lot more Twili later on. It is written in **_**bold italics**_** by the way... Gindaff, hope you enjoy the next chapter. **

Midna is a pyromaniac and Link is a transvestite

Link was still howling, and Midna was filing her nails with earmuffs on. Even in her shadow form, she cared about her appearance, even though she might find a lesbian around the corner. Link's howling was driving the imp insane, even with her earmuffs. She was trying very hard not to go psycho and kill him and the author was trying very hard not to make her do so. The gamer was still extremely disturbed by Zelda to pay much attention to the obnoxious sound erupting from her Wii mote. Eventually, Midna did lose her rag, but didn't get violent that time.

"WOLF WILL YOU SHUT UP?!" she screamed, silencing the wolf immediately. He then grinned at her and licked his lips. Midna went beetroot again and the water in the spring around her turned yellow.

_So Midna, you look hot in your shadow form_

"Will you quit that? Wait until your original form is restored, then I'll decide if I fancy you or not." She snarled, slapping the wolf's muzzle. Link whined and gave her puppy dog eyes.

"Don't Link, you'll attract gays."

_But Midna, Colin is gone and Rusl is probably making love to his wife right now._

"Isn't she pregnant?"

_Exactly..._

Midna raised her eyebrow. Link let his gaze wander to her bust while she was oblivious to it. However, she wasn't for long. Link's nose was bleeding by the time she had finished.

"Now, Wolfy as punishment you must stay in your wolf form for longer and get me a sword and shield. And make sure they're hawt."

_How can a-_

"NOW!"

Link scooted off with Midna in his shadow (it was very cramped in there, due to the fact that she was too fat) to Ordon village.

The village was heavily guarded by frogs. Link peed himself, as he was terrified of frogs. Midna appeared, soaking with wolf pee. The expression on her face looked as though Link had another nosebleed on the way. But Midna had another idea in mind. Something that would tear the wolf apart from the inside, wringing him dry of all his happiness. She let an evil smile play around on her face and kneeled down to Link's height.

"Excuse me wolf, wait in the Ordon Spring for me." She giggled. What she was planning was unbeknown to him, but rather than ask and get hurt, he just obliged to her command. Link trudged off and sat down in the refreshing water. There were a lot of shouts coming from his village and it was glowing orange. He decided that, because of the frogs, he wouldn't go and check and just admired his reflection in the spring, whilst eagerly awaiting Midna's return. He was forgetting how impish and round she looked. But he knew that she was very yummy. And she was floating above him right now, badly singed and covered in blood. However, an evil grin was poised upon her cute little face. The blood wasn't hers, because shadows couldn't bleed. How it got there, Link didn't know, but he supposed that she had been voring because she looked fatter. A lot fatter. And the orange glow was probably fire. So in conclusion, Midna was a voring pyromaniac.

_Midna, are you a voring pyromaniac?_

"Maybe."

_You are, aren't you?_

"It's a secret." Midna tapped the side of her nose. Link growled at her. The imp just laughed and disappeared into his shadow. It was even more cramped in there than it was a few minutes ago.

"Wolfy, put on weight."

_How about you lose some. Fatty._

"Anorexic."

_Pyromaniac_

"Pervert."

_Lesbian_

"Uh..."

_You didn't answer after two seconds, I win this round._

Midna rose from the shadows and floated a few centimetres away from Link's muzzle, her arms folded over her chest. She was so sexy when she was annoyed. She wanted to kill him badly, but violence never solved anything.

"Anyway, I got the stuff we needed, but it's not sexy, so you can have it. We need to go the Twilight Realm. Come Wolf boy. I want to ride you." Link whimpered, thinking bout the extra weight his load had gained. When his human form was restored, they'd go jogging so she could burn off fat. Or he could set her on fire like she did to his home town. That would burn a lot of fat. It would kill her too.

_Maybe not..._ The wolf thought, walking away, back to the spot where he was taken into the Twilight last time.

"Hey, wasn't there supposed to be a cut scene with the light spirit?" The gamer asked, tapping her screen. Link looked around, but couldn't see the teen controlling most of his moves, so he walked on.

"Well, there was, but I'm too lazy to write it, Ordona sucks..." The author replied, ending this extremely long paragraph and getting to the good part before the readers got bored.

Link was in pain. Midna was sitting on him. Kicking his sides. Weighing a ton.

"Move it lazy!" She scolded, trying to behead her mount with the Ordon sword.

_Why don't you GET THE FREAK OFF AND THEN MAYBE I WILL!_

Midna gave Link the evils, but removed herself from his back and floated above his head.

"Are you saying I should lose weight then?" she snarled. Link nodded. Midna hit him.

"However, for your comfort, I will use my awesome shadow magic to make myself lighter. But if you moan one more time I will make myself HEAVIER! Ee hee hee..."

Link gulped as Midna became encased in an orb of green light. She was chanting a spell in a tongue Link couldn't understand, but he supposed that it was her on. She wasn't from his world, he knew that for sure. Hyrule did have fat little imps. Well, it did now, but it didn't before.

The light that covered Midna slowly faded away and the imp leapt onto his back. She was still a little heavy, but she was defiantly transportable now. Link smiled to himself and walked forwards. Tripping over an ant. Midna head palmed. The gamer dropped her Wii remote and Nunchuck, backing away slowly before making a runner. Link lay face down for hours, waiting for her to come back. Midna was lolling around on her mount, listening to her iPod. She was humming along to a song. Link raised his eyebrow.

_Midna, what saddo has her own theme on her iPod, which haven't been invented yet?_

Midna sighed at the wolf and removed the headphones from her orange mess atop her head.

"I do. Now are you going to move your arse yet?"

_Oh yeah, here I go now. _Link padded along happily, tripping over several more ants and a pair of dentures, before a bunch of Twilighty monsters attacked.

"Aww crap, we're penned in... well, you can take these things on can't ya? _**Gindaff**_." And Midna floated off, leaving Link with the monsters waiting for his doom. Link tried to kill them, but one of them started singing that Rick Astley song to wake the others up again. Link tried to take them on again, but Midna stopped him before he was mauled.

"Listen wolf, you have to kill them all at once or they'll just come back. I know what to do. Hold down B and I'll release an energy field to destroy them all."

_Whatta whatta? Speak normally; don't listen to the damn game designers. _

"Just move o I can get them all in." Midna said thought gritted teeth. She was acting as though she was in labour. Maybe she was. Maybe it was Zelda's. Link penned all the beasts in, stifling fit of laughter at their death cries. Then sat down.

_So Midna, is it Zelda's?_

"WHAT!? Wolf, I'm not pregnant."

_You look it._

Midna tried to drown herself in the conveniently placed spirit spring. Link sniffed her butt.

"What the fuck are you doing tubby?"

Midna raised her head from her death and looked at the faint glowing light.

"I'm committing suicide." She said plainly.

"Why? Anyway, I don't want to hear about your depression, I just want you and your wolf pal to go and clear up this Twilight from the Pedo bear monsters."

"Pedo bear monsters?"

"Yes, Pedo bear monsters. They are tiny Pedo bear heads that contain the light. You must kill them and fill up this vessel with the light. Oh, and don't commit suicide, we all love you Midna." Link walked over to join his attractive companion and she leapt upon his back. The duo set off to kill the Pedo bear monsters and reclaim the light, after drawing stuff on Coro's face without him knowing. After the last bug died, they were magically sent back to the spirit spring.

"Whoo, we did it and helloooo sexy." Midna floated over to Link and started getting all girly over him. The Twilight squares were vanishing and Midna reverted into shadow form. The water began to ripple and a huge lemur appeared, clutching a large ball.

"I am Faron." The light spirit said in a spirity way. "You have saved this place from an evil magic. Now you must go get the Fused Shadows and kill kitty dude. Because you are a descendent of the Hero of Time blah, blah, blah and you are the only one who can do this blah, blah, blah, your name is Link and I don't even know why I'm doing this because I have a life, goodbye." And Faron vanished. Midna turned to Link and grinned.

"Look at yourself." She told him, acting very flirty around him now he was hawt again. Link looked down at himself and went pale.

"I-I-I... How is this possible? No, no way. The hero of Twilight is NOT A TRANSVESTITE!" Then he fainted. Midna shook her head and looked down at the ghostly white boy before her.

"Yes you are Link. Yes you are."

**Thankies for reading, please review. **


	4. Midna gets a dieting lecture from Ook

**A/N: It's been a while hasn't it? Well, I've been working on numerous other fanfics, I've had homework and I recently got ALttP, which I've been playing on. But here is the next chapter. I'm going to be delving more into romance now, because I do want Midna and Link to become a couple. But there will be humour. Sadly, I'm more of a romance and adventure writer than a humour one, so I will do my best, but I might fail miserably. It'll get easier after Link can switch at will, I guess. And when Ganon and Zant come in.**

Midna gets a dieting lecture from Ook

Link wandered aimlessly through Faron Woods, chatting up Midna all the way. He didn't seem to notice that he was walking into a tree and not going anywhere. Midna had disappeared into his shadow and was eating that chocolate cake she wanted. Thinking about a question that had been troubling her for a while. She decided to knock Link out of loonsville and ask him.

"Hey Link, did you use to be called Linkia?" She asked. Link raised his eyebrow, actually moving from the tree.

"No, why?"

"Well, I thought that because you cross dress and you said you weren't a transvestite.... Well, are you?" Midna acted shifty around her crush, who was also a moron.

"Well, I'm not one, but the old hero might have been. How about you?" Midna decided that there wasn't love made in heaven for them and slapped him.

"No you idiot. I am perfectly normal, but you are a no brained imbecile. WHY AM I STUCK WITH YOU!? SPONGEBOB, MY LORD! WHY!?"

Midna got down on her knees and started sobbing. Link, looked down at her and raised his eyebrow. Meanwhile, the author was having a heart attack after realising that her beloved Midona-chun worshipped the evil Lord SPONGEBOB! During this time Link managed to trip over one of the evil ants just by standing there.

"Where's it for the little guy!?" He cried, not realising that Toon Link wasn't coming back until the Phantom Hourglass' release and he was a big guy until then. The ant stuck its tongue out and scampered off. Midna was still crying. She was actually wearing SpongeBob pants and saying 'ALL HAIL SPONGEBOB!' through her sobs. If Link wasn't blubbing too, he would have throttled her to death. But they were cry buddies. Two little kids, oblivious to the monkey who was standing outside the fog with Link's lantern. Doing the Caramelldansen to get their attention. But pervert Link was too busy enjoying touching Midna without her noticing because she was still crying, clutching the hat. Then Link noticed the hat.

"YOU BLOODY BITCH, STOP TOUCHING MY HAT!" He screamed, snatching the hat from Midna's grasp. Midna got up and slapped Link. Link slapped her. The monkey was chanting

"SLUT FIGHT! SLUT FIGHT!"

Link and Midna stopped slapping and their heads turned to see the monkey with Link's lantern on her head. Link's eye twitched then he darted at the monkey, who scampered off into the fog.

"COME BACK HERE YOU ARSE SLAPPING APE!" He yelled.

The monkey shook the lantern about like it was covered in saliva (Midna, when will you learn, lanterns ARE NOT EDIBLE) and the purple fog faded away.

"Looks like the arse slapping ape wants you to follow her." Midna said, poking her fingernails into the back of Link's head. The hero screamed like the girl his ancestor used to be and ran over to the monkey. The process of shake the lantern was repeated several times, before Link finally made it out alive. Midna was already there, reading a magazine entitled 'How to care for idiot wolves with no life'. Link spat at her and the imp dropped her magazine. He picked it up and read the page it was open at. "Neutering? Midna, you're not getting me neutered are you?"

"Well, you might find a she wolf one day. Or you might get me. I don't want to take any chances."

"But Midna, won't that affect my human form?"

"So what if it does?"

"I want to make a baby with you!"

Midna fainted.

"Why?" The gamer asked. The author looked up at her and grinned.

"Midlink fan?" The gamer said. The author nodded with a :3 look on her face.

"Screw you." And the gamer got back to game play.

Link was spitting at Midna's face to wake her up and the monkey was reading the mag that started it all.

After a while Midna awoke and the gamer did too (it was midnight in the place the gamer lived i.e. England. That is how long it takes to wake up Midnas.)

"Shall we go now?" Midna asked. Link nodded and hugged her.

"HEY! No hugs. I'm getting a restraining order." She scolded, slapping Link again. Link whimpered. Midna looked at him guiltily and kissed hi-

"Hey! This is a humour fic! No romance." The gamer scolded.

"Sorry... Readers, forget that, I'll leave out the romance. Sadly."

Midna looked at Link, with a teasing grin upon her round face.

Link started acting like a five year old and kicked a stone at the monkey. The monkey ran away crying and Link trudged along after it. Midna was inside his shadow, wishing that there was more space.

"It must be Link getting thinner... Can't be me." She mumbled to herself, not realising that it was her abandoning her diet which she really needed to obey, before the author glomped her due to her cuteness. Link was walking along, feeling much happier because he had stolen his first thing that day, from a bird. Then something caught his eye. Something shining with a beautiful light. It was...

"I FOUND A QUARTER!" Link yelled, running over to it.

"Link there is something wrong there." Midna told him, jumping out of his shadow. It hurt her chest to do so, so she decided never to do it again.

"What?" Link asked, holding the quarter.

"Well, that's not a quarter, it's ten pence, seeing as the author is English, we have Rupees here, and there was a massive golden wolf sitting in front of it. It's humanly impossible to see it, unless you have super vision"

"Was the wolf bigger than you?"

"Hey, I'm not big."

"Yes you are, fatty."

Midna scowled and bit Link. Link cried in pain and dropped his ten pence into the abyss next to him. This made Link cry harder. The Golden wolf made a 0_o face as Midna tried to devour Link's arm and the hero sobbed for his useless piece of silver ("Hey, that's my lunch money!" The author cried)

"Look, we're already over 1000 words into the chapter and not at the forest temple yet. Can we PLEASE just get on with the bloody story?" The golden wolf shouted over the din ("Hey, why over me? What did I do?" Din asked. )

Midna removed herself from Link's arm, leaving only his bones there. Link then remembered the yellow stuff he had stolen and, because he was too stupid to realise it was lantern oil, drunk it in a desperate attempt to restore his arm. Sure enough, an arm grew back, but it was Homer Simpsons arm.

"D'oh!" Link cursed.

"Can I teach you the ending blow please?" The Golden Wolf asked.

Midna took Link's sword and stabbed the beast in the head, killing it. She then ate Link's new arm, got him some RED POTION and brought his normal arm back.

"Let's go cross-dressing transvestite." Midna said, disappearing into the shadows. Link growled.

Somewhere in heaven, the old Link's were growling too. The hero of Time was a transvestite, and as everything revolved around him, all of them were too. Midna had just insulted them all.

"Shall we kill her?" Minish Cap Link asked.

"No." Wind Waker Link answered "she'll eat us."

"True, true, she will." The author said "now get out of those angel costumes and back into your own games."

Finally after 1205 words, Link reached the Forest Temple, only to realise that he needed a full lantern to get in. He went back to Trill's shop and the bird beat him up for stealing. Luckily Link managed to put a Rupee in the box with only a quarter of a heart remaining and Trill let him off. Link took the oil he needed and walked off, forgetting to pay again. Woe-betide him if he needed to go there again.

"Midna, I'm baaack!" He called, forgetting that Midna was in the cramped space of his shadow.

"I'm here you idiot!" She shouted.

"Where?"

Midna head palmed. "In your minuscule shadow."

"Not my fault you're fat." Link said. If Midna wasn't stuck, she'd have smacked him, but her thigh was wedged in his neck area, and she wasn't supposed to have small thighs in the first place.

"Look, can we go?" She pleaded.

"Couldn't you have gone before we left?" Link asked, thinking she needed the loo. Midna screamed.

"NO YOU IDIOT, JUST GET YOUR F***ING ARSE INTO THE GODDAMN DUNGEON BEFORE I VORE YOU BASTARD!"

Link was silenced for a few seconds, and then he edged into the dungeon.

"It smells like dog pee in here..." Link moaned.

"So? Get on with it." Midna instructed. Link shook his head.

"Are you shaking your head? Because if you are, I am going to BREAK YOU!" Midna yelled.

"Sorry, I got my hair wet. Augh, it's even wetter! My beautiful locks! Ruined! I spent four hours dying this!"

"Link, that's your natural colour. This isn't A Link to the Past you know. Now shut up, and beat the bloody dungeon." Midna managed to un-wedge her leg from Link's neck and rose out of his shadow. Link cowered in fear.

"So, will you clear this dungeon with no more fuss Mr _Heeero_?"

Link saluted and puffed out his chest. He stood very tall and chanted

"Sir, yes sir!"

Midna went very red.

"Sir, you look like a boiled tomato sir!"

Midna started sweating.

"Sir, you look hot sir!"

"LINK, I'M A WOMAN! Now say 'yes ma'am.'"

"Yes... sir."

Link was given another nose bleed. Midna just laughed.

"That'll teach ya Link. Now, never EVER call me a man again."

"But sir is pronounced exactly the same as soeur in French, and that means sister."

Midna broke Link's nose. It bled even harder. Then he fainted.

Hey, the million year line has made a comeback! A million years later, Midna managed to revive Link, after lifting him to the high ledge at the edge of the first room in the dungeon, because a Deku Baba looked hungry for some cross dressing Hylian ("Hey! If anyone eats him, it's me, so back off flower, before I get hungry for some Baba soup." Midna cursed.) The arse slapping ape was there, pointing to Midna, air humping and licking her lips.

"Why do I attract weirdoes, who are mainly girls?" Midna asked herself.

"You are attractive." Link said, attempting to hug Midna again. As his nose was broken, Midna decided to painfully twist Link's ear. The hero did his womanly scream and fell off the ledge. Midna face palmed.

It was pretty obvious that Link had to climb the vines in front of him to reach the ledge, but despite the one hundred neon signs saying 'climb the vines to get to the ledge', it took him seven hours to figure it out. When he finally did, Midna and the monkey were playing cards.

"Mid. Can we go now?" Link asked.

"Thank Nayru! C'mon, let's go."

Midna disappeared into the shadows and Link opened the door to the next room.

Hey, is that a spider!?" Link gasped, pointing to the menacing looking Skulltulla that was charging towards them, its fangs dripping with poison, ready to pierce the hero. From the shadows Midna let out a scream, and Link screamed too. It was so hard to tell which scream was which, because they both sounded feminine. The monkey head palmed and scampered off.

"I'm going to get a game over... Damn..." The gamer sighed, throwing down the nunchuck and Wii remote.

"This is the ends of Link!" Link cried as the Skullbjgehdbkjgtfjv jyxvtrgiugft8yhw43t5iubh...

"What happened?" Midna asked, as everything froze suddenly. By the looks of things, Link was about to get impaled by a spider's fangs, when the author fainted and landed on the keyboard, hence the gibberish. Therefore, they had to cut out most of the dungeon and skip ahead to the good bit. OOK!

Link limped into the miniboss arena, covered in blood, monkey fur and Baba Serpent heads. He was in no peak condition to fight, even a Walltulla ("NO SPIDERS!" The author moaned). Midna was hovering next to him, paying no attention to his pain, only to the large slab of chocolate cake she was stuffing her face with.

"Uh, Midna, where is the miniboss?" Link asked

"Gough am nigh uppossed chu go?" Midna replied with her gob full.

"You are the helper. You're supposed to know everything. Meh, I'll find him myself." Link started to skip around the room. Then a baboon with an arse almost as big as Midna's leapt out and started singing.

"My name's Ook

I'm a big baboon

I'm the king of the monkeys in Faroon

I have a girlfriend called Maroon

And I like to kill Links with my gale boom... erang."

Link was highly disturbed. So was everyone else within earshot.

"I'm outta here." Midna said, disappearing into Link's shadow. Or at least she tried too. When she got her hips in, she got stuck.

"Uh... Oh goddesses... Hang on." She wriggled around, but was still stuck. Link giggled. Midna grumbled.

"Well, I'm not surprised you're stuck." Ook said, pulling Midna out of Link's shadow by her ear and poking her stomach as she hung helplessly. "Fatty."

"I'm not fat!" Midna protested. Ook shook his head.

"Yes you are imp. You're very fat. Look, if you don't lose all this," Ook dropped Midna and poked her stomach again "you're going to have serious problems when you're older. Just think of all your veins and arteries, all clogged up with a disgusting blob of fat. Your blood flow to your heart slowly dies down, and you do too. Lose some weight or you're going to die. Simple as pie. Now, get jogging!"

Midna went rather pale and then fainted. When she hit the ground, it caused an earthquake, which made Ook explode. He dropped his gale boomerang and Link took it.

"Dan, dan, dan, daaaan! You got the Gale boomerang. Equip it with B or use the -|- so you don't have to swap blah, blah, blah..."

Link grinned at his new item and threw it at Midna to wake her up. It just bounced off her stomach. It then hit Link that she was out completely and that he could do whatever he wanted to her. He wouldn't rape her yet though, so he had to make do with kissing and fondling. _She makes quite a nice cushion_ Link thought; resting his head on her stomach _I think I might zzzz..." _Link was asleep within seconds. The Gale boomerang got bored of waiting for him to awake and walked off to get high on crack. The author was still mad because of the spider. And the monkey was reading a porno.

"Like I said..." The gamer mumbled "Really fucked up."

**- - -**

**A/N: Long chapter then guys. Remember; never let XEmoMidnaX near a spider. Oh, and kill me if I got the French wrong (or at least correct me...)**


	5. The ConFused shadow

The Con-fused shadow

The Gale boomerang was extremely high and pissed when it found Link again. The boy was still snoring and every so often, making inappropriate sounds. He was probably dreaming of making love to Midna. Midna was dreaming about chocolate. And Link's hat was hanging out of her mouth and she was chewing it. The boomerang decided that there was no hope for either of them and lay down beside Link. It was cold, due to being pissed, and its cold metal touched Midna's belly, which made her sit up and scream "I SURRENDER!" This made Link wake up too, and he peed his pants.

"Damn, I thought I'd sorted my weak bladder problem."

"Link, you could never sort out any of your problems. You're a walking unfixable problem machine." Midna retorted, using the GB as a tooth pick. Link pouted and threw the GB, which was now covered in plaque, at the door in rage. Surprisingly enough, it opened slightly and Link decided to squeeze under it, and magically go through the second door, using his magical cape from ALttP. When he was through he shouted

"Come on Midna!"

They had both forgotten that she was overweight, and Midna got stuck. It took a few hours to unstick her, using... well, something sticky that Link produced that the author'd rather not say... okay, okay, it was blood! Nothing inappropriate, so don't think it was, dirty minded readers! So, yeah, Midna was unstuck and said some naughty words and then she tried to force her big bum into Link's shadow. But, alas, she was just too fat. Then Link hatched an idea (quite literally, an egg fell out of his arse, and then it hatched into an idea). He looked evilly at Midna and pulled out some weird things that you might find at a hospital. Midna gulped as Link advanced onto her. Then he jabbed her and she screamed.

One incredibly painful liposuction later, Midna actually looked decent. And even more sexy than she did before. Link drooled. And his nose bled, but this time, it wasn't because Midna hit it. She was too busy admiring her now curvy, but still a bit plump, body. Then the GB ruined the moment.

"Jeeze, look at this fat!" it said, holding up a large sack of what used to be inside Midna's body. She took one glance and puked violently. Everyone wondered how one so small could puke that much... But in The Legend of a lesbian: Twilight on Crack, anything was possible.

"Can we go now?" Link asked, using his hat to staunch the blood flow from his nose. At any rate, he'd be mistaken for Red Link soon.

"Yes, of course." Midna giggled, wiggling her hips. Link started drooling again. Midna slapped him.

"Let's go!" The GB shouted. Link and Midna snapped it in half.

"Oops..." Link said, looking at his half of the dead boomerang.

"Hehe..." Midna laughed nervously. Then they both ran off screaming, because the Monkeys would kill them for being murderers.

One dungeon later, the duo found themselves at the boss door. Why it was decorated with Christmas lights, no-one would ever know. Link decided to go in.

"You dare bring light into my lair? You must die!" The plant monster boomed.

"Oh boy, I can't wait to bomb some plant thing!"

"Mah boi, just fight the goddamn thing. And hurry up about it! I'm so hungry, I could eat an Octorok."

"Enough crappy CD-i Zelda imitations and get your arses into battle!" The gamer cursed. Actually, now she was a watcher, because the game had a mind of its own.

"Let's just fight now..." Diababa said.

"Oh..." Link sighed.

Then a familiar face rode in through the holes in the side of the wall, and no, it wasn't Ook.

"HIYA LINK! Hi gorgeous." Zelda said as she swung on a rope, wearing only a leaf over her private part and her hair covering her breasts.

Link peed himself and his nose bled. Midna head palmed and warped Zelda home. Diababa died. From the corpse of the plant, a black object leapt out, into Link's open palms, where it hovered.

"Where am I? Oh, hello young lady." Link cringed. "I am a fragment of the Con-Fused Shadow. Ask me anything and I will give you the opposite answer.

"Will Midna and I be a couple ever?"

"No."

"Is Midna going to get fat again?"

"No."

"Will Zelda ever stop being a perverted lesbian?"

"Yes."

"Is Link a transvestite?" Midna shouted.

"No."

"Ha-ha!" Midna did a stupid impression of Nelson Muntz and Link tried to shoot himself. It took him a while to realise that his hat wasn't a gun and he and Midna warped out with the Con-Fused shadow fragment.

In the spring, Faron was smoking a fag. She didn't look up from her Porno magazine and just pointed in the direction of the hippie dude that gave Link the lantern ("I don't recall Link getting a lantern." The Gamer/Watcher said. The author gave her the evils and she shut up.) Anyway, Link walked along to the hippie dude's house and he came up and hugged him.

"Oh, not another gay..."

"Oh, sorry, I thought you were a tree."

Link ran screaming like a girl.

Into a weird dude who looked like someone who had no life, apart from being drunk and raping innocent women, like Midna, who was digging a hole to curl up and die in.

"A letter for you!" The man said. He was a post man. Link looked at a nearby abyss and wondered if it was worthwhile throwing himself into it. He decided that if he were to commit suicide, he'd do it some other way, maybe after Midna had died in her hole.

"Pssst, take the letter, because I don't really want to die in a hole."

Midna snapped. Link took the letter and waved the postman goodbye.

"Oh, don't go that way, there is a big black wall." And the postman ran off, but he couldn't run and looked a bit like the author's friend's brother. Midna came out of her hole and leaned on Link's shoulder as he opened the letter cautiously.

"It's his underpants..." Link said, holding up a pair of bunny undies.

"Can we go now?" Midna asked, highly disturbed. "I need to take twenty showers to cleanse myself of what I just saw." Link nodded and the two left the undies in the middle of Hyrule field, on an epic quest to find a shower.

Twenty showers later, Link and Midna arrived at the big black wall. Normally, Midna would have said something, but she was too lazy and pulled Link into the Twilight, where he transformed back into a doggy. Midna sat on him, and was much lighter than usual, which made Link smile.

_I'm a doggy again! Yaaay!_

"You like being a wolf?"

_Yes_

"Good, because you'll be one for a while. I preferred you as a human though. You were hawt."

_Really? You're hot too Midna._

"Aww, hey stop flattering me and get moving!"

_Yes...uh...si-ma'am, yeah ma'am _

"Good boy. Now, get!"

Link got. Midna an ice cream sundae, which she refused to eat because the milk in Hyrule wasn't good stuff. Link was probably brought up on it.

"Link when I tell you to 'get' I mean move doofus. Now, move!"

Link moved. He moved one metre to be exact.

"This is going to take a while..." Midna muttered. The author and watch/gamer nodded in agreement. To pass the time, Midna decided to get out her iPod and listen to it. She'd probably need her whole one thousand song playlist, and she'd probably need it more than once before Link actually used the dried and shrivelled up thing that was his brain...

**A/N: Thus concludes chapter five. I'm going to try and get up to MDH by the end of October, but the week after that, I get stabbed in the arm, so I might be too emo to write. **


	6. Emo village and Pyromaniac Mountain

**A/N: OMG I DIDN'T DO MY CHALLENGE! Meh... Anyway LoaL: ToC fans, here is the next chapter. Link and Midna take a trip from the Village of Emos to Pyromaniac land. And Link falls in love with Midna. Awww. Happy reading.**

Emo village and Pyromaniac Mountain

_MIDNA, WAKE UP, WE NEED TO VORE, I MEAN KILL THESE RICK ASTLEYS, I MEAN SHADOW BEASTS_

Midna opened her eye lazily to see a team of break dancing Twilit messengers in the distance. She really couldn't be asked to help Link kill them things, but she had no choice.

"C'mon then Link... Let's kick their behinds and go somewhere so I can sleep..."

Link smiled in a doggy way and helped Midna vore the TMs.

"Being evil is fun." Midna said with her gob full. Link nodded.

_Let's go be more evil! _

Link and Midna crawled off to be more evil when a thick, drunken voice called after them.

"Look man, yer supposed ta be talkin' to meh. You 'ave ta find teh Pedo Bear monsters in Emo Village and Pyromaniac mountain. Now, can ya go, I have a date with Nayru in- Oh shit, I'm late. Here ya go."

- - -

"Where could he be?" Nayru asked herself looking at her watch. "Silly Eldin should have been here five minutes ago. Ah well, might as well start taking my pills now." Nayru popped some birth control pills in her mouth and sat on the wall. Many Zelda fans all over the world stood with their mouths agape and their eyes wide. Nayru fancied Eldin. What was the Zelda universe coming to?

- - -

After Eldin had left to go have sex with Nayru, Link and Midna were left alone with the vessel of light. Link looked up at Midna. Midna looked down at Link. An evil grin spread across both of their faces. Then they started rampaging around the village and mountain, whooping like raving lunatics (which, quite frankly, was what they were.) They terrorised Emo Village, and Link was reunited with his enemies, the hell kids. Luckily they couldn't see him, or Midna would have had to experience tongues all over her body (what Link didn't know was that her previous boyfriends licked her a lot during their 'private time') Pretty soon there were only three PBM left, and it was in the shack above Barnes' Bomb shop. It would have been no trouble for a two year old to get up there, but as Link had no brain, and Midna's was too crammed with cells that told her to eat that there were hardly any others in there, they spent four hours staring at the shack. Just staring. They didn't move. This scared the gamer into hiding behind her sofa. She stayed there for a week. So did Link and Midna. But eventually, Midna got hungry and they moved. To the nearest McDonalds.

_Midna, I think you've eaten enough._

"No, I haven't I'm still hungry."

Link examined the imp as she ate. She was looking fatter again. The Con-Fused shadow was right...

_Can we go to get the last three Pedo Bear Monsters now?_ Link asked, placing a paw on Midna's stomach. She had managed to stay sexy looking for a fortnight. How clever. The imp spat at him, food flying all over his face. Midna licked it clean. The gamer vomited.

"You can't remember!?" The gamer screamed. The author shook her head.

"I haven't played TP in a while. Tell you what, I'll find a FUNNY way for them to get up. Because it's a FUNNY fan fiction." The gamer stuck her middle finger up and slumped back in front of the screen.

- - -

"How are we going to get up?" Midna asked. Link shrugged in a Wolfish way.

_How about you carry me? You could do with the exercise, fatty. You can't not be round, can you Midona? _ Midna smacked Link on the nose, which bled. The she grabbed him by the tail and dragged him up to the shack, making sure he hit everything on the way up. By the time they arrived, he was a bloody pulp. Midna sneered at him. Link eyed her large stomach and wondered if he should bite it. He would have done, but he was still recovering from being a bloody pulp. Midna sat back down on his and told him to get. He got. Her book on dieting. Midna ate it.

"Look, just follow those PBMs into the bloody shack so I can kill the kitty dude." She scolded. Link obliged. He was sure as hell that he was deeply in love with Midna, but she was vewwy, vewwy scarwwy when she was angry. The wolf walked off into the building.

_Wow, it's a BOMB SHACK! LET'S BLOW IT UP!_ Link grabbed a stick and set it alight. Then he placed it in the fireplace and the PBMs flew out, setting the whole building on fire. Midna screamed.

"OH YOU FUCKING BASTARD! WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" Midna had a coughing fit and Link _sat down,_ contented with himself. Midna fell off his back, choking and gasping for air. Link read a book. Midna started to die. Link took a nap. The shack exploded. Link woke up.

"Aww, I'm a cross dresser again..." Link moaned, looking down at his green tunic. He wondered where his lovely imp was. Was she standing outside of the hut smoking? No, that was Malo. Was she humping a tree? No, that was Beth. Was she voring an ant? No, that was Talo. Was she kissing Colin? Yes...

"MIDNA!?"

"Help me..."

Link spring forward and took his lady from the gay child. Colin raised his eyebrow. The hell kids attacked them both with their tongues.

"Ooo, Link's got a girlfriend." Beth sneered. Midna made vomiting sounds. Talo threw a rock.

"LINK'S GIRLFRIEND IS A FAT FUCKER!" He shouted. Midna sunk into the shadows, giving Link the evils.

"So Link, you done her yet?" Malo asked. Midna tripped Link up.

"We're not going out..." Link squeaked and then he ran for it, screaming his head off. Like a girl. The Man lady, Renado walked out veeeeerrrrrryyyy sllllooooowwwwllllyyyyy (seriously, does that guy ever run?) The Hell kids we're still standing where they we're with their tongues around Link who was getting beat up by Bokoblins several miles away.

And then... If you have problems with gore then please skip this part or you will barf continuously.

Epona came moon walking through the village at top speed, with several green Bulbins riding on top of her. The hell kids still had their tongues wrapped around Link's ankles and Epona was running towards them. The kids we're dumber than Link when he was checking out Midna's ass, and didn't notice the horse until...

Link felt the tongues around his ankle loosen. He ran from the Bokoblins, back to Emo Village and got run over by his own horse. The spring was a mess, with blood turning the water crimson and guts strewn everywhere. The hell kids were just a pile of skin, everything else had been torn out. Renado and the bomb dude, Barnes, were cutting themselves like Emos do, and Link looked like a Link pancake with horse hooves embossed into him. Midna arose from his shadow, which was too flat for her, the roundest imp in the universe. She used one of those things you use to pick up pizza to un-wedge Link from the floor and then ate his foot.

- - -

Now wasn't that gory? Yes, it was. Now, on with the rest of the chapter.

"M-Midna..." Link woke up groggily to find himself lying in a river. Standing above him was a fat man with a walrus moustache.

"Wow, he's fatter than Midna! You must be a god! And, OHMIGOD IT'S A ... WALRUS MOUSTACHE! I want to be your best friend!" Link wrapped his arms around the fat man and drooled over his shoes. The fat man grunted at him.

"Link m'boy, what has gotten into you? You need to do some serious sumo wrestling to get you big and strong again. C'mon." Link then realised that the man was the horse molester's father. He let out a little squeak as the mayor dragged him away to his 'house'.

"MIDNA HELP MEEEEE!"

**NEXT EPISODE... I mean CHAPTER OF LoaL: ToC-**

**Link sumo wrestles with a man who is FATTER THAN MIDNA *cue gasps***

**Link tries to make his way up Pyromaniac mountain with his new IRON BOOTS**

**Link defeats the King of the Gorgon Zola cheese tribe. **

**And Midna puts her voring to the test with COLIN**


	7. Midna's Paradise

**A/N: Goddesses, it's been so long! Well, this is a (much better) redo of chapter seven. Sorry I was so long, lots of things happened including my computer blowing up. Well, I'm writing three other humour fics to go with this one, and chapter one of Ocarina of Limes is up. Read them! READ THEEEEEEEM! Now, on with chapter seven.**

Midna's paradise

"Please spare me Jabba…" Link pleaded. The fat mayor grunted and began to take his top off. Link screamed his high pitched, awfully feminine scream and closed his eyes tight, fearing that he was going to drown in the belly flab. This guy had a bigger pair of breasts than a fat lady.

"Stop being a lady. Act, sound and dress like a man!"

"You're not going to my birthday party anymore then. You big fat meanie!" Link ran out crying. He returned five minutes later with his clothes in tatters and cuts all over his body.

"What happened to you?" fatty asked, sharing a chocolate cake with his new best friend Midna

"I tried to hug a Cucco…." Link squeaked, flinching at Midna's death glare.

"You're mentally retarded Link…" Midna told him, pointing out the clearly obvious. Bo grunted in agreement.

"Cuccos are cute… I felt an unnatural urge to cuddle it… I didn't know that they were KILLERS."

"Link, this is a parody of a video game. Of course your worst enemies are going to be chickens."

"Wait… this is a parody of a video game. Of course my worst enemies are going to be chickens!" Link announced, ripping his dress off in elated triumph.

"Forget my shitty theory, that was great," Midna said, beginning to leave the cramped abode which smelt like alcohol. Lots of it.

"Where are you going Middums?" Bo asked, standing up abruptly, making his belly wobble.

"I'm getting out of here. I'm already drowning in my own flab and I don't want to drown in yours."

"But… I thought we had something special! Oh Midna!"

"Stop crying," Midna slammed the door behind her and hopped onto Epona. She put on her fedora and russet coloured trench coat, slipping deep black sunglasses on with her hair hand. 'Resident Cookies', as this embarrassing costume was called, kicked the maroon mare in the side. Epona collapsed. Resident Cookies sighed and commenced dragging Epona away to Kakarioko village.

* * *

Meanwhile, Link was content with himself flicking through porno. Fatty was crying himself a river of tears over his newfound love, an overweight imp, who had walked out on him. His walrus moustache drooped. Link had to shut the porno in disgust when he saw a picture of the hell kids, Colin and Ilia in their swimsuits. It was too much to bear. Fatty continued his excessive bawling.

"Will you shut up?" Link demanded, sounding as male as his voice could manage, which was still very girly.

"How can I when the woman I love hates me? I even sent her nachos!"

"Well, she probably never got them if you sent them five minutes ago… Tell ya what. I'll let her know you sent her the nachos if you give me your boots."

"How do I know you will?"

"I'm the hero."

"You've done a pretty good job of messing the game up Mr. Hero. I can't trust you."

"Fine," Link began, placing one hand on the door, "Midna's mine."

Bo's eyes widened like he was on crack (who's to say he wasn't?) and tears welled up.

"Please no…. Take the goddess damned boots and tell Midna I love her!" Bo threw some iron boots at Link, which were an awful yellow. They were as light as a feather, which was strange for iron boots. Link dashed out before Bo realised he lied and drowned the poor hero in his stomach.

* * *

The journey to Kakarioko was fraught with peril, and Link had no Epona to carry him safely across the vast plains. He swore under his breath to single handily murder Midna, or at least steal every yummy treat she bestowed. The thin grass was scuffing his boots and clouds of dirt were thrown into his eyes randomly whenever he tried to run. Bokoblins came at him at all sides and oversized Cuccos called Kargarocs began pecking at his scalp and trying to steal _the hat_. Link squealed and whipped his sword from his scabbard, impaling one of the prehistoric birds, who was attempting to rip out _the earring_. No-one tried to steal Link's woman hood. Once Link had slaughtered one beast, he felt an ecstatic urge to fight more. His sword whooshed through the air with ease, taking out the rest of the Kargaroc fleet with one swift blow. A Bokoblin aimed for Link, poised for the kill and met the same fate as the now incredibly bloody blade cleaved it in half. The cool spray of red liquid covered Link's face and a vast expanse of the grass around him. Something good ailed him, something that enabled him to act like a man. Then it hit him full in the face. Link pulled his dreadful, khaki dress from his face and looked down at his bare chest. If the ladies saw that, they'd get many nosebleeds. It was obvious that without the dress, he was a man. He'd never don the garment as long as he lived ever again. The newly found man charged through the fields at top speed, his sword held out to the side, destroying any unfortunate being that came into his path. Yes, even the Postman. The gamer gave out a little cry of joy when her least favourite character hit the dust.

* * *

Midna obviously felt it compulsory to sunbathe whilst she waited for Link. The hell kids, who re-spawned after becoming road kill, died again after seeing an awful amount of belly. Midna had eaten the remains of Beth, who was to re-spawn when Midna excreted. Which was never as the only hole Midna had was her big fat gob. And nose and ears, not to mention all her pores. The imp had parked Epona in the spring and awaited her lady friend's return. A manly call echoed throughout the village and Midna lifted her head lazily. A bare-chested blonde truanted into the village, most of his body bloodstained; however there was not a wound in sight, thus meaning the blood could not possibly be his own. For a split second, Midna thought her Prince had finally come, but then she spotted _the hat_ and th_e earring_. She realised, much to her disappointment, that this was not a Prince; it was her stupid companion who had given up on the transvestite job and had become a stripper.

"Hallo Midna," he greeted in a smooth, relaxing tone. Midna blushed on the inside, but on the outside she donned her heart of stone.

"Where in the name of Din's thirty four DD bras have you been? You sound funny; did you go through puberty in three hours or something?"

"No. I just took my dress off and now I'm a man!"

"Link, before you go parading around in your frilly pink briefs, please get a six pack."

"If you lose weight," Link ordered her. Midna rolled her eyes. "Anyway, you know what I got to do next?" Link asked her sheepishly.

"You have to get dressed, jump onto Epona and wait until a fat green thing comes and takes Colin, then ride epically in and fight fatty. Or you can just let me eat Colin."

Link pondered this for a few minutes before deciding how he was to for fill this task. Kill Colin or kill another fat person. The fat people had rights. Colins didn't.

"Need any utensils Milady? Your meal awaits."

Midna's eyes lit up and the two grinned evilly. In the distance, the faint silhouette of Colin stood, oblivious to the fate that awaited him.

* * *

An epic theme began to play as Link and Midna stood at the mouth of Pyromaniac Mountain, ready to begin the ascent upwards. Midna wiped the last residue of Colin from her mouth and Link readjusted his hat. They exchanged a glance before Midna slipped into her shadowy den and all fell silent, save for the distance sounds of a volcano erupting. The feminine tunic resided in Midna's invisible storage space, and Link was anything but a woman. His fingers gripped around the rusty wires of the mesh and he hauled himself up.

"This fic is slightly slipping away from the humour… Make Link put the tunic back on," the author instructed, throwing a blood curdling glance at the gamer. She opened up the clothing screen and looked at it for a few seconds. The manly clothes were highlighted and the picture of Link was flexing his muscles. She selected the dress and Link started skipping. When the screen flashed back to game play, Link fell down; saying a lot of naughty words in the gamer's general direction. He began the ascent again, complaining that the mesh was 'ruining his fingernails'. An unhappy rock was waiting for him at the top, and didn't look best pleased when Link's head appeared over the top of the cliff face. He hauled himself onto solid ground and found himself face-to-face with the unhappy rock.

"Hey, it's yellowish and fat. It must be Homer Simpson!" the idiot exclaimed, clapping his hands.

"No, I'm not, I'm actually Bart. Eat my shorts!" Bart curled up into a ball and hurled himself at Link. Link squealed and put the boots on. Once they were on his feet, they weighed more than Midna. As Bart collided with Link, the ear splitting sound of snapping ankles echoed throughout Hyrule.

"He smelled like Gorgon Zola cheese!" Link told Midna, oblivious to his broken ankles. The bones healed themselves, because this was a video game, and Link waddled up the mountain, getting run over by many more Gorgon Zola flavoured _Simpsons_ characters. Within the shadows, Midna sighed. This was going to take a while.

* * *

When Link finally managed to get to the domain of the Gorgon Zola tribe, a heavy meteor shower began to greet them, one missing Link by a mere few centimetres. The hero squealed and jumped into Midna's arms, as she was about to make a stupid pointless annoying message (SPAM) spew from her mouth. A giant, boiling rock appeared a few seconds later, making Link emit a squeak so high pitched; only an animal could hear it. Midna was about to spew some more SPAM, before Link whacked her in the mouth with his own. The kiss was meant out of comfort; as if Link kissing her would stop the horrible Gorgon Zolas from making their mountain do a poopy. Midna puked inside her mouth and tried to wrench Link from her body. His grasp proved too strong for her and in the end, she had to live with it. Fearing Link was too shaken to continue the further climb, Midna preceded the journey with Link cradled in her arms, still sucking on her mouth like a leech. It was very tempting to eat the mountain dwellers, as the divine smell they gave off was mouth-wateringly good. Link's mouth had slipped from hers and he lay sound asleep in her arms. If it wasn't for his womanly features, he might have looked rather… cute. Midna felt her blood boil in her cheeks and a wide grin appeared on her otherwise motionless face. Something powerful had firmed between the two idiots. Something not even a cat man could destroy. Midna was so lost in her emotion that she failed to notice the entrance to the patriarch's coven was right before her. Link's eyelashes fluttered and he slipped from Midna's weak grasp onto the floor. The imp, dreadfully embarrassed, slipped into his shadow without another word. Link regained his senses and lifted his body from the floor, rubbing the back of his head. The mouth of the cave he lay in front of was very dimly lit, and he found it rather difficult to see what lay within. He felt a wave of fear course through his veins and his limbs simply wouldn't move. A random faerie had to slap him sharply around the head before he went in. A rather strong, unpleasant smell of cheese flooded his nostrils upon entering. Link looked up and gulped, at the sight of several rather enraged Gorgon Zolas, intent on one thing. To kill Link…

* * *

Link felt his bladder empty the content within all over the floor. Midna was searching on eBay for oversized nappies, tired of being rained on by foul smelling liquid. The Cheese men hated strange dressing humans and were intent on turning him into a Link pancake. If a rather old looking cheese man with mould growing on him hadn't stopped them, they'd already have breakfast for the following day. Link opened one eye and his body uncoiled from it's hunched up physique. He let a sigh of relief escape his lungs and almost hugged the Cheese man, before realising it'd just make him smell awful.

"What business do you have here human?" Cheesy boomed, his voice rough and deep. Link flinched and began to stammer.

"The next Confused Shadow is in your mines… And I only say that because the script said."

"The script I own says you don't talk."

"You own the normal version. In the crack version, I do talk and my voice is noise pollution."

"Your face is sight pollution…" Midna mumbled. Link attempted to stamp on his own shadow, but missed.

"Anyway, you can't go in," the Cheese man affirmed. Link's jaw fell open and onto the floor. He bent down to pick it back up and slotted it back into place like nothing happened. Before long, he was whining.

"Why not? That's not fair, you're really mean. It can't be hard!"

"It's not difficulty that will cause you trouble… It's what happened to our Patriarch. You see, he touched this random dark thing and turned into a monster. Now he is such an eyesore, that we quarantined him in a secluded area deep within the mines. If you wish to go on and save the Patriarch, you must beat me in a fight," Link began to draw his sword, "a sumo fight!" The Gorgon Zola announced, stepping into a small, raised arena in the centre of the room. Link gulped and stepped into the arena, his heart pounding within his ribcage. The Gorgon Zola got into a fighting stance and Link copied. Someone announced something, most likely in a foreign language and the two began to sumo.

* * *

Cheese man grabbed Link around the waist and began to attempt forcing him off the arena. Link tried to push against the force, but it proved futile, even with the boots on. Midna sighed and began rifling through Link's wallet. She pulled out a yellow Rupee and glided casually over to Cheese man. She whispered discretely in his ear (wherever that was)

"Hey, here's a ten Rupee. Go buy yourself… Anything, whatever you get will be a vast improvement. Now let Link into your mines or I'll tell your girlfriend you're gay!"

"No! Don't tell her I have feelings for Bob the boulder!"

"Don't you mean Bob the Builder?"

"No, I mean Boulder," the Cheese man pointed to a large rock with a smiley face drawn on it. Midna rolled her eyes and Cheesy ordered the two Gorgon Zolas guarding the entrance to allow Link and Midna into the mines. Link cast a glance to Midna who disappeared into his shadow, removed the boots and began to slowly approach the entrance. When he ventured within the mines, an unnaturally bright light greeted him. In fact, one might say that the mines… sparkled…

**A/N: Hoped you liked it! I'll update a lot faster now.**

**In the next chapter…**

**Link will face the Ordeal of the mines… **

**Ganon's true fandom is revealed…**

**And the two face the final wall to the final area of Twilight. **


End file.
